Thursday, June 7, 2007
Reason # 21,343,197,971 I WON'T Homeschool.
God have mercy on his social skills. At first I cringed. Then I laughed! Then I realized I was probably gonna fry for that. Then I laughed again. Good grief. I could see this kid being the next "Nick Burns: IT Guy."
I have nothing else to say. Does anyone know the best schools in the Brentwood area?
My 'WTF of the Month' Goes to...
LONDON!
Really, this was the best they could do? In a city busting with creativity and culture this is what they have waiting for the world? Benny Hill is turning in his grave.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
"Knocked Up"
Just got back from the Harkins and I loved this movie! It was funny, had characters to attach to and even had a good plot to the whole thing. I will refrain from gushing over it for fear of overhyping this movie. All I will say is I highly recommend this movie and you should watch it in a packed house (as I did). I will warn there are a few scenes I could do without. Just be ready to cover your eyes. By the way, is Katherine Heigl single?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I can't sleep.
And it's by choice. We leave for Yuma in a few hours and if I try to sleep there's no way I'm gonna wake up. So, I'm gonna babble on my awesome blog to the world. I wonder, how many people actually come across this? I know the only blogs I read are my personal friends' and laist. So, if millions of other blogs are going unread by yours truly then how obscure is MY blog? Will my goal to change the lives of millions through my writing go undone because my blog is not on the same "level" as Perez Hilton? The travesty!
Oh, well. It may be for the best. My grammatical defeciencies coupled with my lack of style would bore the "pop cultured" readers of the WORLD...WIDE...WEB. I'm working on it though. I'm looking into classes to clutivate and hone this passion that is buring within me. Till then I have stream of consciousness.
Today will be Day 1 of my 7 day fast. That's right 7 days! I was skinny already but apparently I'm going for ungodly skinny. I'll be frequenting Jamba but I'm still a bit scared to see how I'll look in a week. This'll be great though. I'm believing for God to speak to me on the precise direction of where I need to go. Praying for breakthroughs and looking to serve where I can, following the fasting tenents found in Isaiah 58.
We only have one assembly today which will end around 10 am. That's great 'cause I'm hoping to head to San Diego afterwards. Hit the beach, lay out and do some reading, cruise the Gas Lamp District for some honie...er, I mean feed the homeless, witness to the lost, and open air preach on the perils of listening to crappy Christian music.
I wonder if moving to Europe, becoming a freelance writer and living the boheimian life would be as exciting as I imagine it would. If it weren't for my debt I would be 85% FOR doing this! Really, I don't have much keeping me in any one place. I've lived away from my family for some time now. My closest friends are scattered throughout the world. My career is not set in one location. I have no wife and children. Only debt keeps me in the States. Man, it would be great to take my laptop, Dehlilah (my camera) and my ipod up through the fjords down through eastern Europe skimming by western Russia! I would experience the culture, frantically learn the language of the countries (at least enough to get by), writing about experiences and goings ons while I'm there. My friends and family would keep track of my progress via my blog so as not to worry. Oh, to dream...
Here is one of my ideal situations of meeting the woman of my dreams (I thought about it on the way home from work today). I'm in New York having a coffee and canole at my favorite coffee shop near NYU during the latter part of the afternoon. I'm reading "City of Quartz" by Mike Davis periodically looking up at the constant flow of traffic that's coming through the shop. There's students, professors, street performers, Juliard dancers, etc hanging out and going about their day-to-day. As I sit in the back corner-window (gives me the optimal view to see everything and everyone) adjacent to me is a beautiful woman who is also sitting alone, reading a book. She has her nose in "The Art of Travel" by Alain de Botton. At first I take a double take because she is a) beautiful and b) she's reading my favorite book of all time! I then sit in a cocktail of emotions of disbelief, excitement, fear, and joy. I can't believe that a beautiful woman would be this close to me reading a book I hold in such high regard and admiration. I'm excited 'cause I have a legitimate ice breaker (note: bumbling the words "uh...I, uh, uggh, think you're pretty, can I, (crap), buy you a coffee?" is not always a winner) but fear this is too good to be true. Ultimately I have joy because I will have witnessed that pretty people are deeper than we give them credit for.
I would have to conjur up the guts to approach her. No doubt would I take advantage of this opportunity. Not too sure what my opening sentence would be. From the get go she'd see that I'm not a threat nor a dork (crossing my fingers on the latter) and be open for conversation. Her name is Ashley. We'd talk about the classes she's taking @ Columbia (she likes the Lower East Side better which is why she's here) and her aspirations of becoming a senator. Though she's originally from Virginia she wants to reside somewhere else and is leaning towards California (hey, it's MY fantasy ok?!). She lays out her plan to revolutionize the idea of feminism and revamp much of the thinking of education. Our conversation is going great until she looks at her watch and realizes she's late for her im basketball game (be still my athletic heart!). But she emphasizes she wants to see me again so we set up a date for the Met that weekend.
I'll leave it at that for now...
Oh, well. It may be for the best. My grammatical defeciencies coupled with my lack of style would bore the "pop cultured" readers of the WORLD...WIDE...WEB. I'm working on it though. I'm looking into classes to clutivate and hone this passion that is buring within me. Till then I have stream of consciousness.
Today will be Day 1 of my 7 day fast. That's right 7 days! I was skinny already but apparently I'm going for ungodly skinny. I'll be frequenting Jamba but I'm still a bit scared to see how I'll look in a week. This'll be great though. I'm believing for God to speak to me on the precise direction of where I need to go. Praying for breakthroughs and looking to serve where I can, following the fasting tenents found in Isaiah 58.
We only have one assembly today which will end around 10 am. That's great 'cause I'm hoping to head to San Diego afterwards. Hit the beach, lay out and do some reading, cruise the Gas Lamp District for some honie...er, I mean feed the homeless, witness to the lost, and open air preach on the perils of listening to crappy Christian music.
I wonder if moving to Europe, becoming a freelance writer and living the boheimian life would be as exciting as I imagine it would. If it weren't for my debt I would be 85% FOR doing this! Really, I don't have much keeping me in any one place. I've lived away from my family for some time now. My closest friends are scattered throughout the world. My career is not set in one location. I have no wife and children. Only debt keeps me in the States. Man, it would be great to take my laptop, Dehlilah (my camera) and my ipod up through the fjords down through eastern Europe skimming by western Russia! I would experience the culture, frantically learn the language of the countries (at least enough to get by), writing about experiences and goings ons while I'm there. My friends and family would keep track of my progress via my blog so as not to worry. Oh, to dream...
Here is one of my ideal situations of meeting the woman of my dreams (I thought about it on the way home from work today). I'm in New York having a coffee and canole at my favorite coffee shop near NYU during the latter part of the afternoon. I'm reading "City of Quartz" by Mike Davis periodically looking up at the constant flow of traffic that's coming through the shop. There's students, professors, street performers, Juliard dancers, etc hanging out and going about their day-to-day. As I sit in the back corner-window (gives me the optimal view to see everything and everyone) adjacent to me is a beautiful woman who is also sitting alone, reading a book. She has her nose in "The Art of Travel" by Alain de Botton. At first I take a double take because she is a) beautiful and b) she's reading my favorite book of all time! I then sit in a cocktail of emotions of disbelief, excitement, fear, and joy. I can't believe that a beautiful woman would be this close to me reading a book I hold in such high regard and admiration. I'm excited 'cause I have a legitimate ice breaker (note: bumbling the words "uh...I, uh, uggh, think you're pretty, can I, (crap), buy you a coffee?" is not always a winner) but fear this is too good to be true. Ultimately I have joy because I will have witnessed that pretty people are deeper than we give them credit for.
I would have to conjur up the guts to approach her. No doubt would I take advantage of this opportunity. Not too sure what my opening sentence would be. From the get go she'd see that I'm not a threat nor a dork (crossing my fingers on the latter) and be open for conversation. Her name is Ashley. We'd talk about the classes she's taking @ Columbia (she likes the Lower East Side better which is why she's here) and her aspirations of becoming a senator. Though she's originally from Virginia she wants to reside somewhere else and is leaning towards California (hey, it's MY fantasy ok?!). She lays out her plan to revolutionize the idea of feminism and revamp much of the thinking of education. Our conversation is going great until she looks at her watch and realizes she's late for her im basketball game (be still my athletic heart!). But she emphasizes she wants to see me again so we set up a date for the Met that weekend.
I'll leave it at that for now...
Monday, May 28, 2007
Courting...Dating...Whatever...
Whenever my family asks me why I'm not married or don't have a girlfriend I always want to respond, "'Cause I'm a Christian." They wouldn't get it but I do and I would laugh and then cry to the sad commentary that is my life.
I've been spiritually raised in a church that has operated as a good amount of other churches have in regards to dating: The courting process. As I have grown this is what I learned about it. When you are single you cherish it because it's you and God. You're growing and maturing as a person as well as a child of God. During this process you're bound to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex if you're a Methodist or Dave (I keed, I keed), but it's you're duty to heap upon yourself heavy doses of guilt for doing so. If that doesn't work then you confer with your mentor if to see if you are ready for that next step of courting. Courting is differentiated by dating in the fact you're looking for a real commitment. Not just dating to have a significant other but looking for something serious possibly leading to marriage. If you are ready as deemed by your mentor or if the person of interest is and all checks and balances are done then you can start the courtship.
The courtship is like dating and can become a nightmare for those involved but freakin' hilarious to all bystanders. Most courtships I've witnessed the couple is normal. They go out on dates, become sickening to watch, and alienate friends. Importantly, though, they do set up boundaries necessary so as to keep purity an aspect of the relationship because they have committed it unto God. Some courtships have made me stracth my head. Instances where one of the persons dating would want a chaperone along or the only form of physical touch would be side hugs...in public...in between the hours of 11:00am and 1:03pm...on the weekends.
I know each church is different and I'm glad I've been able to witness various cultures of dating within the Christian world. It's great to see the diversity and that there is no one way of the love process. One common theme that I see are good, well placed boundaries such as no sex before marriage, no sleep overs, and no watching "A Walk to Remember" till marriage. I'm all for boundaries 'cause God know's I need them. But I'm NOT a big fan of the micormanaging that I've seen many a church gravitate to. This is my beef. If a person has a genuine relationship with God and is interested in someone who is not a stripper, satanist, or a suc alumni then should a spiritual leader stop them from dating? I know there is a lot of preemptive strikes in the name of people "not getting hurt" but c'mon! Pain is not that bad!
Why are we so afraid of people making mistakes and getting hurt? Boundaries are there so that there would be no sexual activity prior to marriage and I feel that is the only real issue to worry about (I may be wrong but I'm writing off the cuff). But heartache? What's wrong with that? Is there a fear that heartache would lead to a backsliding from God? If that's the case then there were deeper issues than a romantic relationship gone sour that should have been attended to. When do we cross the line from being a concerned friend offering our advice to a micromanager trying to play God for the "best" interest of those involved? I've liked girls, had my heart broken, and know what? I actually got CLOSER to God because of it. Like all failures you learn from them and are stronger for it. Relationships are no different and they are one of the most powerful!
What hurts the most will cause the most introspection and impetus to change. Why would God get pissed when ever the Israelites went to idols? It was because duriing their times of crises they sought refuge from their pain in the idols. God wanted them to come to HIM for peace, salvation, and all other answers. It's when we go through our pains and trials that we know where our relationship with God lies. Do we go to Him? Same with relationships. We get hurt, so our world ends. Life sucks. We put on our favorite movie, eat whatever makes us feel better, and hope it puts us into a coma for a few days. But, where do we ultimately go when our hearts our broken? When we have our dreams shattered? If it's God then you're in a good place. If in your accomplishments, your relationships, your possessions then there might be a problem. The aforementioned are not bad but if you find your salvation in them then there's a problem.
Really the dating issue is a microcosm of a major issue in the church today. Are we willing to trust God to be leading others' lives? Are we willing to trust others to be following God so as to not mircomanage their lives? I admit some people need help in the beginning and show them the ropes. Sometimes they'll have to go through a spiritual bootcamp of sorts to get them out of their detrimental habits and onto a lifestyle more conducive to relating to God and following His ways. But if we are to truly equip and teach the body of Christ that implicitly means those we've equipped and taught will then be able to live self-sustaining lives. To be honest I don't want the responsibility of managing someone else's life when I have my own to worry about. Besides, if I can't influence them from the moment they're born then controlling their lives at 35, 23, heck 15 would be insane! Let's live life, offer advice when needed and led by the Holy Spirit, and trust God actually speaks/leads others as well. Novel thought, eh?
I've been spiritually raised in a church that has operated as a good amount of other churches have in regards to dating: The courting process. As I have grown this is what I learned about it. When you are single you cherish it because it's you and God. You're growing and maturing as a person as well as a child of God. During this process you're bound to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex if you're a Methodist or Dave (I keed, I keed), but it's you're duty to heap upon yourself heavy doses of guilt for doing so. If that doesn't work then you confer with your mentor if to see if you are ready for that next step of courting. Courting is differentiated by dating in the fact you're looking for a real commitment. Not just dating to have a significant other but looking for something serious possibly leading to marriage. If you are ready as deemed by your mentor or if the person of interest is and all checks and balances are done then you can start the courtship.
The courtship is like dating and can become a nightmare for those involved but freakin' hilarious to all bystanders. Most courtships I've witnessed the couple is normal. They go out on dates, become sickening to watch, and alienate friends. Importantly, though, they do set up boundaries necessary so as to keep purity an aspect of the relationship because they have committed it unto God. Some courtships have made me stracth my head. Instances where one of the persons dating would want a chaperone along or the only form of physical touch would be side hugs...in public...in between the hours of 11:00am and 1:03pm...on the weekends.
I know each church is different and I'm glad I've been able to witness various cultures of dating within the Christian world. It's great to see the diversity and that there is no one way of the love process. One common theme that I see are good, well placed boundaries such as no sex before marriage, no sleep overs, and no watching "A Walk to Remember" till marriage. I'm all for boundaries 'cause God know's I need them. But I'm NOT a big fan of the micormanaging that I've seen many a church gravitate to. This is my beef. If a person has a genuine relationship with God and is interested in someone who is not a stripper, satanist, or a suc alumni then should a spiritual leader stop them from dating? I know there is a lot of preemptive strikes in the name of people "not getting hurt" but c'mon! Pain is not that bad!
Why are we so afraid of people making mistakes and getting hurt? Boundaries are there so that there would be no sexual activity prior to marriage and I feel that is the only real issue to worry about (I may be wrong but I'm writing off the cuff). But heartache? What's wrong with that? Is there a fear that heartache would lead to a backsliding from God? If that's the case then there were deeper issues than a romantic relationship gone sour that should have been attended to. When do we cross the line from being a concerned friend offering our advice to a micromanager trying to play God for the "best" interest of those involved? I've liked girls, had my heart broken, and know what? I actually got CLOSER to God because of it. Like all failures you learn from them and are stronger for it. Relationships are no different and they are one of the most powerful!
What hurts the most will cause the most introspection and impetus to change. Why would God get pissed when ever the Israelites went to idols? It was because duriing their times of crises they sought refuge from their pain in the idols. God wanted them to come to HIM for peace, salvation, and all other answers. It's when we go through our pains and trials that we know where our relationship with God lies. Do we go to Him? Same with relationships. We get hurt, so our world ends. Life sucks. We put on our favorite movie, eat whatever makes us feel better, and hope it puts us into a coma for a few days. But, where do we ultimately go when our hearts our broken? When we have our dreams shattered? If it's God then you're in a good place. If in your accomplishments, your relationships, your possessions then there might be a problem. The aforementioned are not bad but if you find your salvation in them then there's a problem.
Really the dating issue is a microcosm of a major issue in the church today. Are we willing to trust God to be leading others' lives? Are we willing to trust others to be following God so as to not mircomanage their lives? I admit some people need help in the beginning and show them the ropes. Sometimes they'll have to go through a spiritual bootcamp of sorts to get them out of their detrimental habits and onto a lifestyle more conducive to relating to God and following His ways. But if we are to truly equip and teach the body of Christ that implicitly means those we've equipped and taught will then be able to live self-sustaining lives. To be honest I don't want the responsibility of managing someone else's life when I have my own to worry about. Besides, if I can't influence them from the moment they're born then controlling their lives at 35, 23, heck 15 would be insane! Let's live life, offer advice when needed and led by the Holy Spirit, and trust God actually speaks/leads others as well. Novel thought, eh?
I Actually Had a Good Day Yesterday
The way my life has been going lately it was a welcomed surprise. My morning was same ol', same ol' with Sunday church, set up/tear down, etc. Nothing bad but nothing great. It wasn't till I got a call from one of my close friends Daniel.
He's in Texas raising support with his fiance and he was driving to Dallas and wanted to waste some time. He knew I was going through some stuff and I gave him the update and the latest craptacular events that happened this past week. Daniel was so encouraging telling me that he was glad he wasn't in my position (really, I loved the honesty) then proceeded to tell me of some of the crap he's been through these past couple of years. He also prayed for me and gave me some pearls of wisdom. It wasn't anything too "life-altering" but it helped and it was great to talk, having him listen and genuinely care about my situation. As I was getting off my best friend from LA, Vic, called.
It had been a while since we last talked due to that timeless game of phone chat we constantly play. I gave him the update too and he told me what he has been going through. Though it too was not "life-altering" the down and dirty "here's our lives, it sucks, we're not happy with it, be we're standing together as brothers in Christ" conversation was what I needed. That's what I love about God; we don't have to always be happy, we can vent and be "real" with Him, and I won't be struck down for it. I have the freedom to feel what I feel, think what I think, and know that's normal! That's all I want right now. I just want to be normal and not be ostracized for it.
Deep down inside I know what I'm called to do. I will be a sport psych/performance enhancement consultant, teacher/prof, and doing something in government with character. But, it is enticing to move to Europe, become a writer, and live the boheimian life. Not gonna lie, it's VERY appealing right now. But alas, I know God wants me here and I will wait on Him.
Until then I have this great new book I bought while waiting to watch the new "Pirates" movie. It's called, "The Rise of the Creative Class." Talks about how the creative people who populate creativce centers (i.e. Austin, Seattle, etc.) are the reasons for economic growth and are the key to our country's future not only economically but culturally and influentially. I'll give brief updates as I read. I love it because this is something I would've wrote but more as an essay since I don't have the time to do the research and come up with the stats as Richard Florida (author) has done.
One last thing. Please check out laist.com and it's various other city blogs that you can find links to atop of their pages. They are great reads and worth bookmarking on your computer. I'm biased and think laist is the best but torontoist and austinist can hold their own. Don't get me wrong there are NO subpar blogs in this line but those are my favorites. Enjoy! Lates!
He's in Texas raising support with his fiance and he was driving to Dallas and wanted to waste some time. He knew I was going through some stuff and I gave him the update and the latest craptacular events that happened this past week. Daniel was so encouraging telling me that he was glad he wasn't in my position (really, I loved the honesty) then proceeded to tell me of some of the crap he's been through these past couple of years. He also prayed for me and gave me some pearls of wisdom. It wasn't anything too "life-altering" but it helped and it was great to talk, having him listen and genuinely care about my situation. As I was getting off my best friend from LA, Vic, called.
It had been a while since we last talked due to that timeless game of phone chat we constantly play. I gave him the update too and he told me what he has been going through. Though it too was not "life-altering" the down and dirty "here's our lives, it sucks, we're not happy with it, be we're standing together as brothers in Christ" conversation was what I needed. That's what I love about God; we don't have to always be happy, we can vent and be "real" with Him, and I won't be struck down for it. I have the freedom to feel what I feel, think what I think, and know that's normal! That's all I want right now. I just want to be normal and not be ostracized for it.
Deep down inside I know what I'm called to do. I will be a sport psych/performance enhancement consultant, teacher/prof, and doing something in government with character. But, it is enticing to move to Europe, become a writer, and live the boheimian life. Not gonna lie, it's VERY appealing right now. But alas, I know God wants me here and I will wait on Him.
Until then I have this great new book I bought while waiting to watch the new "Pirates" movie. It's called, "The Rise of the Creative Class." Talks about how the creative people who populate creativce centers (i.e. Austin, Seattle, etc.) are the reasons for economic growth and are the key to our country's future not only economically but culturally and influentially. I'll give brief updates as I read. I love it because this is something I would've wrote but more as an essay since I don't have the time to do the research and come up with the stats as Richard Florida (author) has done.
One last thing. Please check out laist.com and it's various other city blogs that you can find links to atop of their pages. They are great reads and worth bookmarking on your computer. I'm biased and think laist is the best but torontoist and austinist can hold their own. Don't get me wrong there are NO subpar blogs in this line but those are my favorites. Enjoy! Lates!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
What makes me selfish?
This is probably my biggest problem right now. I am selfish. I say this because I think about what I think about and I realize the vast majority is about me! About what makes me happy, my problems, what I want to do, how the world should revolve around me. I avoid going out at times because the people I'd be hanging out with don't make me happy. They're not my good friends from LA, Michigan, or New York. I want to be alone, ride out my time and resurface as the same outgoing, gatherer I once was back in LA. I feel like I should be investing my time and energy into men right now but to be honest I don't want to. I don't feel like they'd let me anyways. The only people who has let me pour myself into their lives has been an eccentric but great kid (Paul) and a senior at ASU (Ryan) who happens to go to another church. Other than them I've really not received respect for what I could do for them.
I was hesitant to write this but the men I've been around here in Arizona have severly underestimated me and have not grasped what I could do for them. I've been shunned for trying to lead (look at the fiasco once known as the Varsity) and when told I am the leader their pride rises up. I wondered why it's been so hard for me to work with the men here and I finally realized why. Pretty much every guy here is trying to assert himself as an independent, strong, autonomous person who SHOULD be the leader, the one to be looked up to. At UCLA we all knew our roles. Hell we would encourage each other to do better, be better! We loved one another as brothers and wanted to see all of us succeed. Yes, we had our moments but for the most part they were a great bunch of guys to lead and I really enjoyed it. To this day I still get that respect of being an older brother, one they could go to for counsel and advice knowing my wisdom is from God and I would be in their lives because I love them. Nothing else. If only it were so easy here.
It comes down to security and identity. Where does your identity lie? Since day one I can say the only true secure men I've lived with were Al and Jerome and appropriately enough they were getting married. I cannot stress how hard it is to lead a man, let alone men, who do not have a secure identity in Christ because THEY feel they should lead. THEY feel that they have more answers than you. During this time I've come to appreciate what king David did by rallying all the degenerates and they in turn respected him as the king God annointed him to be. That is something I need to work on. I can tell myself I won't have to deal with this down the road but I'm not sure. I better learn just in case.
To be honest it's their loss. I have a lot to offer but it's going untapped. Paul gets some, but he's not always around yet he soaks it up. Ryan was able to get a whole lot of it and it was great to see him grow. Unfortunately we don't see each other since my church started up. The guys back home? Only when I see them thought it's few and far between. Right now I'm outlet-less. Yes, I take the responsibility of not finding more outlets. I'm tired. I'm frustrated with the attitudes I have had to still have to deal with. If I had the money I'd move out to my own place. Live in a one bedroom, or even a studio. I don't want to deal with people right now. Well, at least...nah, I won't say it. That's what makes me selfish.
I was hesitant to write this but the men I've been around here in Arizona have severly underestimated me and have not grasped what I could do for them. I've been shunned for trying to lead (look at the fiasco once known as the Varsity) and when told I am the leader their pride rises up. I wondered why it's been so hard for me to work with the men here and I finally realized why. Pretty much every guy here is trying to assert himself as an independent, strong, autonomous person who SHOULD be the leader, the one to be looked up to. At UCLA we all knew our roles. Hell we would encourage each other to do better, be better! We loved one another as brothers and wanted to see all of us succeed. Yes, we had our moments but for the most part they were a great bunch of guys to lead and I really enjoyed it. To this day I still get that respect of being an older brother, one they could go to for counsel and advice knowing my wisdom is from God and I would be in their lives because I love them. Nothing else. If only it were so easy here.
It comes down to security and identity. Where does your identity lie? Since day one I can say the only true secure men I've lived with were Al and Jerome and appropriately enough they were getting married. I cannot stress how hard it is to lead a man, let alone men, who do not have a secure identity in Christ because THEY feel they should lead. THEY feel that they have more answers than you. During this time I've come to appreciate what king David did by rallying all the degenerates and they in turn respected him as the king God annointed him to be. That is something I need to work on. I can tell myself I won't have to deal with this down the road but I'm not sure. I better learn just in case.
To be honest it's their loss. I have a lot to offer but it's going untapped. Paul gets some, but he's not always around yet he soaks it up. Ryan was able to get a whole lot of it and it was great to see him grow. Unfortunately we don't see each other since my church started up. The guys back home? Only when I see them thought it's few and far between. Right now I'm outlet-less. Yes, I take the responsibility of not finding more outlets. I'm tired. I'm frustrated with the attitudes I have had to still have to deal with. If I had the money I'd move out to my own place. Live in a one bedroom, or even a studio. I don't want to deal with people right now. Well, at least...nah, I won't say it. That's what makes me selfish.
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