I'm 28.

Yay me. Today I turned 28 and I decided to reflect on where I'm at. I've led a VERY blessed life. Not only can I not complain but I am SOO greateful to God for all that He's done in me and given me. I have great friends and family around the world, I've been able to travel the world, I've accomplished so many of my dreams and goals, and I can honestly say I've listened to God and am exactly where I should be in life. Do I want to be here is the question.

I don't want this to sound whiney, just articulating what's in my heart and mind. I have the most important things in life (i.e. relationship with God, great relationships with friends and family, health, etc) but I always strive for more. I'm eager to achieve the dreams God has put in my heart. I'm restless to be called up to the Big Show that is my destiny. But I'm not there. Actually I'm far from it. I'm in major debt, I have no car, I can't go to grad school yet, have not stepped into the major circle of influentials as I thought I would by now, and I'm single. These are all things that weigh on my heart as failures, stuff I haven't been able to attain though I yearn for them badly. It hurts. I don't let this stuff inhibit what I have to do but there are times where I sit down and assess my situation and the pain comes. I think it hurts right now because of my two years of "wilderness" here in Phoenix proceeded my two years of happiness in Michigan.

As weird as it may sound my two years at State were some of the best years of my life. I made great friends, got travel more than ever before, was studying sport psych AND teaching college level classes. Even the weather was cool (no pun intended) because it was nothing I had experience before in my life. Basically God was answering my prayers. I would on a constant basis look up at God and ask Him if I was His favorite because of all the blessings I had and was going through. That's how great it was. I long for those days again. It was the feeling that I was walking in my destiny; the very thing God predestined me to walk in. I was enjoying EVERYTHING I was doing from teaching to learning to research. It was all that I wanted and then some! I WANTED to get out of bed and tackle the day. Now where all that I planned for and hoped would come about has fallen through I'm in pain. I hate to admit this but I do have to fight self-pity. I constantly remind myself of how God gave me my Michigan experience and He will give me something similar down the road. Whatever it is I need to go through now is prep for what I need to do for my destiny. I realize that this time of pain is good because it's working something in me that needs to be pruned otherwise the desires of my heart He wants to grant me won't come about because I won't have the character to walk it out properly.

As I sat on my bedroom floor I took a brief look at my life. Yes I am in debt, have no car, a low paying job, am single, and my closest friends are in various places around the world. Through all of that I realize how much more I want to be with God. I WANT to be closer to Him 'cause I realize more and more how much He does provide not only financially and spirtiually but also relationally. I figure if Moses and Abraham can be close to God why can't I, right? I have no idea how much longer I have to go through this but I do know I'll be experiencing something new with God. May sound cliche but it's all I got...literally.