What makes me selfish?

This is probably my biggest problem right now. I am selfish. I say this because I think about what I think about and I realize the vast majority is about me! About what makes me happy, my problems, what I want to do, how the world should revolve around me. I avoid going out at times because the people I'd be hanging out with don't make me happy. They're not my good friends from LA, Michigan, or New York. I want to be alone, ride out my time and resurface as the same outgoing, gatherer I once was back in LA. I feel like I should be investing my time and energy into men right now but to be honest I don't want to. I don't feel like they'd let me anyways. The only people who has let me pour myself into their lives has been an eccentric but great kid (Paul) and a senior at ASU (Ryan) who happens to go to another church. Other than them I've really not received respect for what I could do for them.

I was hesitant to write this but the men I've been around here in Arizona have severly underestimated me and have not grasped what I could do for them. I've been shunned for trying to lead (look at the fiasco once known as the Varsity) and when told I am the leader their pride rises up. I wondered why it's been so hard for me to work with the men here and I finally realized why. Pretty much every guy here is trying to assert himself as an independent, strong, autonomous person who SHOULD be the leader, the one to be looked up to. At UCLA we all knew our roles. Hell we would encourage each other to do better, be better! We loved one another as brothers and wanted to see all of us succeed. Yes, we had our moments but for the most part they were a great bunch of guys to lead and I really enjoyed it. To this day I still get that respect of being an older brother, one they could go to for counsel and advice knowing my wisdom is from God and I would be in their lives because I love them. Nothing else. If only it were so easy here.

It comes down to security and identity. Where does your identity lie? Since day one I can say the only true secure men I've lived with were Al and Jerome and appropriately enough they were getting married. I cannot stress how hard it is to lead a man, let alone men, who do not have a secure identity in Christ because THEY feel they should lead. THEY feel that they have more answers than you. During this time I've come to appreciate what king David did by rallying all the degenerates and they in turn respected him as the king God annointed him to be. That is something I need to work on. I can tell myself I won't have to deal with this down the road but I'm not sure. I better learn just in case.

To be honest it's their loss. I have a lot to offer but it's going untapped. Paul gets some, but he's not always around yet he soaks it up. Ryan was able to get a whole lot of it and it was great to see him grow. Unfortunately we don't see each other since my church started up. The guys back home? Only when I see them thought it's few and far between. Right now I'm outlet-less. Yes, I take the responsibility of not finding more outlets. I'm tired. I'm frustrated with the attitudes I have had to still have to deal with. If I had the money I'd move out to my own place. Live in a one bedroom, or even a studio. I don't want to deal with people right now. Well, at least...nah, I won't say it. That's what makes me selfish.