Meh...

So, it's been a while.

I'll but it as optimistically as I can: I'm learning how to persevere, fight, and stay hopeful like never before. But it is a process. I am learning how to do this on a sustained basis. It amazes me 'cause every time I think I've turned the proverbial corner I appear to walk into an ambush. Astonishing. It's been so long that I've experienced happy moments that I am taken aback whenever I remember my time at Michigan State. It really saddens me. I know this won't last forever but I'm dumbfounded when I think about where I was less than three years ago. Alas I'm learning what life is truely like, not how I expected.

Everything through my senior year in high school was near flawless. I achieved everything I set out to do, I had/have a great family, and I saw the sky the limit! Then I prayed. I prayed for trials and tribulations 'cause as a newly saved Christian I saw all followers of Jesus went through crap. Since my life was perfect I felt I needed this crap in my life. Subsequently life got tougher. I was bound to but I think I expedited the process. I don't regret it. Not even the crap I'm going through now. I'm learning, fighting, and persevering. I always say scars are badges of honor and I'm collecting my fair share. This is good for me. It's toughening me up as I need to be. I'm becoming the man, the son, that God has called me to be.

I tell people of my predicament mainly for them to know they "knew me when..." I honestly believe that my future is so great that when those that "knew me when..." Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to say everything is "ok" when people ask me how I'm doing. Maybe I should have a perma-grin when people see me. Maybe I'm supposed to tell myself "everything is great" and "the joy of the Lord is in me." Honestly, I don't know what to think or do. But it's ok. I'm figuring this out. I used to get stressed that if I didn't conduct myself correctly the first time then I was lacking faith and not living according to God's will. Now? I'm figuring out life! I'm not missing it rathing I'm living it. God has more mercy on me than I have mercy on me. He's pretty cool like that.

I'm gonna live my life. Too often I've tried to figure out how others would conduct themselves in my situation and conducted myself accordingly. Now I'm living life how I see best. (You can interpret that last statement however you want and if you have anything to "add" all I have to say is "Screw You." With all due respect of course.)

This is quite a liberating experience. It seems like the more I fail the more freedom I realize I posses. It's weird. I'll think about it more to better articulate it.